When sh*t happens: some gut wrenching stories
We’re going to dive into some confronting real life stories and letters today. All on the theme of ‘When shit happens in life - if you’d had the choice, what would you have done differently?’
In this edition
Feature story: When sh*t happens. Lessons from gut wrenching stories
Your letters: a real-life sh*t happens letter - and how they’re making the best of it
From Bec’s Desk: Life, books and a sense of meaning
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We’re going to dive into some confronting real life stories and letters today. All on the theme of ‘When shit happens in life - if you’d had the choice, what would you have done differently?’ Or, how can you make the best of a sh*tty situation if that shi*t happens to you.
The other day, one of my financial adviser friends got a phonecall from the wife of a client, Andrew. It was one of those phone calls - the ones that make your guts drop out of your body.
The adviser has been working with the client, Andrew - alongside his accountant and lawyer to help him sell his business and transition towards retirement. Andrew was selling a couple of restaurants he’s owned and run, working very hard for many years. He and his wife have been planning their ‘epic retirement’, dreaming about a big world trip together, thinking about getting a boat so they could get out on the waterways near their home more often and do a bit of fishing.
The deal was done. He was waiting for the proceeds to settle. A sixty-one year old man in pretty good health and fitness but who had not really done anything but work for the last few decades. He has just had a stroke and is in the ICU.
He’s been a passionate business man all his life. Given 110% to the restaurants, and was looking forward to the magical window of ‘retirement’ ahead of him when he could ‘stop working and do the things he had dreamed of’. His wife had been looking forward to it too.
Now, let’s look at their reality. His dreams are shattered - at best, he has rehab ahead; at worst, major health issues. Hers are crushed - and she’s still healthy. Some might say it is a result of the stress he’s been under. But nobody really knows. What we do know is that life, health and retirement can be done differently.
The first lesson is hopefully clear to everyone here. Please don’t work so hard you push yourself toward an early death and disrupt yours and your partners’ dreams. There’s no business windfall that is worth that. Even if you are to come into tens of millions of dollars! Wouldn’t you rather have less money, more friends, and a greater sense of balance on the way through? Science shows that friendships and love are the real keys to longer, happier lives.
And the second lesson please don’t make retirement like a ‘finish line’. If you know you need to shift back the workload in your life, be gradual about the changes you make. Look for ways to bring a little more self care and incremental joy into every day, prioritising your health, your family time, some of those dream trips if you can, and and your interests so all your dreams aren’t delayed until after you reach ‘the finish line’?
This story is tough. And I want to extend my heartfelt hope that Andrew makes a full recovery and this is just a life delay he will resiliently work through.
Another story, this time one that’s in the media. There’s two brothers who have been running what is said to be the ‘longest running Holden Museum in the country’ in Echuca in Victoria. A profitable business that has been a labour of love since 1993, that they thought had a real commercial value. They have loved their work, and built up the business significantly over time, to build the collection of cars that people come from across the country to see. So when they wanted to retire, they put the museum on the market. But no serious buyers came forward, so they have been forced to close the museum, sell off the the items owned by them through an auction house to realise some of the value, and hand back the many cars that are exhibited on loan to their owners, so they can get to the next stage of their lives - with no windfall.
In an article in the Guardian, one of the brothers, Tony Galea said the business was “profitable” and “going very, very well” but over three decades of operations, it had taken a toll on the business partners who have not been on a proper holiday since taking it over.
“It’s basically burnout,” he said, “We love doing it, we love talking to the customers, listening to their stories – it’s great. But we’ve just got burnout now.”
“This is a big tourist destination, over 1.5 million tourists come through the region. This business is open seven days a week, 360 days of the year. If you add those days up, we don’t get many breaks. It’s taken a toll on us, physically and mentally.”
“I’m a grandad now, so I want to spend more time with the grandkids. And I want to see my parents. They’re not going to be around forever.”
Another gut punch, a different lesson. Sometimes, being super-passionate about a business for decades doesn’t end up paying off with a large windfall. And knowing this sometimes you have to make hard decisions to put yourself and your family first and choose to step off the treadmill and into a life you want. And that is going to lead to a waterfall of changes.
These guys have chosen to step off. And, once they’ve worked through the transition, selling off the assets, they’ll hopefully be able to focus on an epic retirement of their own. It’s impressive and brave and tough. But I’ll bet they are pleased to have put themselves first, and not died on the treadmill.
Many of us head into midlife and retirement feeling like we’ve been on a quest, to work our way up the ladder, to reach the pinnacle of our careers, to build businesses that can be sold, to achieve a windfall, or to find a way to suddenly or slowly turn life from ordinary to extraordinary, usually financially, in the belief that more money makes a better life.
We know scientifically that if you have enough money to be able to allow you to have ‘choice’, that’s all you NEED. The rest is in your head, your ego and your sense of status.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development shows that the number one common variable of those who were happiest and healthiest in their 80s was how invested they were in their relationships in their 50s. With this knowledge, increasingly, somewhere along the path, some people are questioning whether their priorities on their midlife quests are right? Whether it’s smart to chase the windfall or the miraculous ‘happy financial ending’.
So today, I want to challenge you with the goal to create a happy, healthy, financially secure and well-balanced life as you head toward retirement. To choose the important things. To enjoy the life you have to live and to be pragmatic about the fact that you might live a long life, like the longevity statistics say is possible or a short life, if your health turns or sh*t happens!
Sometimes you get the choice! Other times you leave it too late or don’t get to choose.
“Dear Bec, I realise I’m writing from a position of privilege, and this is not everyone’s story, but it is my story.
We emigrated to Australia 15 years ago, and bought a house out west. It was a big house and once the kids had flown the nest, we decided it was time to downsize and consolidate our finances before retirement one day. The house wasn’t even officially on the market before we had an offer we couldn’t refuse. We sold for $1.5 million and are now renting a house in a nearby town for $800 a week while we finish up working.
In the meantime, we had looked around for an ideal place to move to for our retirement years, and decided that inland from the Gold Coast was going to be our place of choice. We bought a home there for $1.3M because it fulfilled four criteria that we’d set:
1. It was near an airport (Gold Coast Airport), from where we could jump on a plane and go and visit our two daughters who live in Sydney ( we can’t afford to buy anywhere near them in Sydney).
2. It was near a large hospital. This would both future proof our needs as we got older as well as providing means for part-time work for either one or both of us as we are both doctors.
3. It was within a 15 minute drive of the beach (Gold Coast).
4. It was less money than we’d sold for, thus allowing for the fees that go with buying and selling and the unexpected incidentals that go with buying a new house.
As with all things, life did not turn out as planned, and I was diagnosed with cancer. It is a very rare cancer, and the centre of treatment of excellence is in Sydney. I’ve had to stop working and have been flying backwards and forwards from Sydney for treatment. I’m on income protection and my husband is down to working one day a week pre-retirement (but his work is obviously very disrupted). We had planned on me working at least another 2-3 years, so financially this has thrown a spanner in the works of “Life’s Plan”.
In the meanwhile our new retirement dream house in the Gold Coast hinterland is being rented out at $1000 a week and we have stayed on in our rental in regional Queensland for $800 a week.
As I may need to continue to receive treatment and both our daughters live in Sydney, we are considering continuing to rent out the dream retirement house, whilst using $1000 a week we get from that house to go towards rent of approximately $800 a week somewhere in Sydney closer to both my medical centre of expertise and our daughters.
To add a twist in the tale, our youngest daughter at the age of 25 has given up a very lucrative business career and decided to go to medical school, and because she’s doing it independently, her finances are tight. She lives with her partner who also has some savings but who has given up his previously lucrative career and is now a second year medical student too. As a result there are two rather impoverished young people struggling on a rent in Sydney whilst we are also floating around and not quite sure what to do.
Something I’m considering is a conversation with them about renting out a larger place in Sydney where we can combine our resources and rent a house that none of us would’ve been able to afford separately. We have also considered renting on our own in Sydney, but in Manly near where my oldest daughter lives. It is a beautiful spot and one that we would never be able to afford to buy in, but we can afford to rent there.
It’s the rollercoaster story of life and it’s my story, but I hope it starts a conversation and is perhaps helpful to others and maybe to me as other people feedback ideas.
Many thanks for your wonderful contribution to the stage of life that we’re all in.
Regards Jessica
Hi Jessica
Thank you for that personal and really challenging story that reflects on last week’s retirement housing newsletter and this week’s sh*t happens newsletter too. It really is important to be able to acknowledge that life doesn’t always go to plan. In fact quite frequently we have to use our resilience and work through some very tough stuff.
It sounds like you are working through tough times with incredible strength. I wish you all the best with your treatment. Sometimes there’s hidden blessings - and it sounds like being able to be closer to your daughters for a while might be pretty amazing. I know I would love that. And it sounds like you’ve managed to find balance in the ledger of housing costs you’ve built, while keeping a foot in the market. Smart, very smart. I personally think it would be awesome to live with my adult daughter and her partner for a short stint. Could be a life memory you’ll never forget. But every family is different!
Thanks again for your letter. I wish you a good fight against the Big C, good health and good times.
Cheers Bec
“Dear Bec, I have read many articles, news stories and opinion pieces on retirement.
My husband and I chose to have an SMSF when he retired back in 2006, I am so glad we made that decision. He is 74 and I have just turned 60, we have a very interesting case study I believe. We decided to go it alone on financial advice and only get taxation specific advice from our wonderful accountant.
I have to say that your articles have been the best I have read. You get to the tin tacks but you also look after the person, holistically! I love that as a teacher and coach.
We believe the Industry Super Funds should be doing a lot more for their clients and so should the Govt.
Education is key.
Many thanks, Lisa
Lisa, I couldn’t agree more. All superfunds (not just industry superfunds) should be helping their members to approach and traverse retirement. I’m very passionate about it, and I want to help them if they want it. Education is key! As more people loom toward retirement it’s very key indeed. Thanks for your letter. I’m glad you got good advice from your accountant. Some accountants have a lot of knowledge in this area. Mine even has his financial planning licence too! The choice not to get specific and detailed financial advice won’t work for everyone though. Most people need a little bit of help to get through these years before retirement and into the big act.
And thanks dearly for your kind words. Make it epic!
Cheers Bec
I know! It’s not a pretty newsletter full of optimism and how-to’s today. It's heart wrenching food for thought. Because sometimes I have to talk about ugly things to help you see they can happen to you too. And if it works to use other people’s misfortunes as lessons for yourself, I think it might be worth being a little less glossy for a week.
Last week I bought a Powerball ticket ($200M who didn’t!?) but at the time I asked myself “If I win, would I give up my day job?” and for one of the first times in my life I can say “No I wouldn’t!”. Wow! I finally have deep-seated sense of meaning and purpose in my work life. Would you? Contemplate that one!
In other, more glossy things…
Life and gap years. My daughter is embracing her gap year in Canada. I’m envious (in an excited, proud Mum kind of way that wishes she could be carefree in Canada with her). I’m thinking a lot about gap years as I write my next book for midlifers. I think we need to implement a midlife gap year too. If we’re going to live to 88, 90 or even 100, we’re going to need time to recalibrate ourselves. Designing the financial framework for being able to do this is the challenge in midlife. Anyway - if you’ve taken a midlife gap year or a retirement gap year, write to me, tell me about it and how you’ve afforded that, in time and money. I’m curious.
Radio. This week has been rather exciting. I now have three regular spots on the ABC Radio started up for the year, chatting on ABC Southern Queensland Drive, ABC Western Plains Mornings and ABC Darwin Breakfasts every fortnight to help people navigate retirement in a modern way. And so far it’s super fun! (No scary callers or questions I can’t answer so far! 😆).
Our Podcast, Prime Time is almost ready to see season two drop… not long now, just waiting on some of the logistics to line up. I’m getting a lot of letters about it and how much people are enjoying it. Thanks for the letters! If you haven’t listened yet - here it is. If you have topics you think people would like to see covered - email me!
THE course - the How to Have an Epic Retirement Flagship Course - Autumn Edition. I know I’ve been promising this for a few weeks now. All the videos, worksheets and quizzes are ready. I’m loading it into the education platform this week and preparing it for a launch date that will be just weeks away. We’ll all be doing the course together (it’s called a synchronous course) - it’s designed for everyone to do it at the same time, so we can host online Q&A sessions as a part of it too and get some real community interaction going! As I’ve said before, there will be a cost, but it will be lower on the first one, as it is our pilot event. You can register for more information here and I promise I will send out the details soon. I just want it to be perfect for you so I need time for the graphics people to make magic too.
Wider corporate and superannuation education opportunities - As you can see I am passionate about helping people navigate the years before and in retirement and I know a bit about the subject. And I’m now doing more. If you work in a company or super fund and would like some help with your education programs, masterclasses and tools, reach out. Or, if you’re looking for a program, keynote, or masterclass you can roll out ‘ready made’ for your members or customers, I have a few. And if you want me to come and do a lunch and learn for your team, large or small - I’d love to hear more. Or if you have an idea you want to collab on - email me and let’s chat.
The book. How to Have an Epic Retirement has been out six months now! Can you believe it? It’s a big read with a lot of information, so it took people a few weeks or months to get through it. But now, six months in, you’re spreading the word about it yourselves. And I am eternally grateful. Thank you for telling your friends and family about it, for buying it as gifts and for telling other people about it on Facebook forums I’ve never even heard of. If you haven’t got a copy - get it on Amazon today.
And finally, your letters… Gosh I’m loving them and you’re loving them - long and short. So send them in. We’re going to use them on the Prime Time podcast too. Just email me at bec@epicretirement.com.au. Remember I’m not a financial adviser but I won’t hesitate to answer about a common problem on a general basis - if there is an answer to be had. Inspire me to do the work!
Have a great week ahead, and make it epic!
Many thanks! Bec Wilson
Author, podcast host, columnist, retirement educator, and guest speaker
